Here’s Charlotte to give us a few words about the wonders of our local apothecary and chemist, John the Problem Solver!
Why, it’s a privilege to be here this evening for you, my lovely audience! Dear me, I suppose I shouldn’t assume the spotlight all for myself but if I’m being dreadfully honest (and I do like to tell the truth when I can, especially when it’s devastatingly fun for me), it’s hardly my darling siblings that you are interested in. Being the only true gem in this story, I am honored and completely unsurprised to have been invited here to shill wares for you first. Please do pay attention, dears, as I am about to give you something of a heads up on how I came to be so successful in my life as a professional widow.
Now then, let us clear up a little misinformation for some of you out there. I admit that in the early days when I was much more of a “hands on” widow, I was more apt to ruin my nails and my shoes while getting down to the finer details of the job at hand but that was before I truly understood the true value of a good chemist and an even better apothecary. You see, I was put off by the name, not really understanding the full range of services that such an establishment could offer. In my ignorance, I had actually allowed myself once to ruin a perfectly good dress that was still in season. Can you believe that? Why, I shudder to think of all the time that I wasted working like a common house maid, paying for my mistakes from those days. Think of all the extra work you and I both can save ourselves with a good chemist to work with.
Now this might come as a shock to some of you but in truth, the subtle nature of my performance is hiding how much I utterly loathe this wretched dirt heap that Victor has insisted on moving to. It truly is vile. But just as a cracked mirror still has some redeeming qualities, if only to fix your lipstick, this despicable little town has a shining gem in the core of its attempt at a bustling centre. I found it right away as I made my way to the Courtland County Apothecary and found my handsome little problem solver, John. Wearing that fine white coat and those truly awful gloves, he has been able to whip up some emergency cocktails for me in a pinch. Oh I do know that some other widows would have you looking at your rat poisons as a cheaper alternative or perhaps some enterprising gents might be more interested in some of that rancid wood alcohol going around to do the job but I will tell you from my experience, it is well worth the money to spend on a man with professional talents.
Now as far as the law is concerned, darlings, I cannot tell you how to conduct yourself in that regard. The chemist, John, is a problems solver, you see. We cannot very well plan your murder for you and as such you don’t wish to chase out a perfectly good poison artist such as him away with trivial matters as your freedom and the eventual trial for your life should it come to that. I suggest you develop some artistic skills of your own in the matter. That said, as with any good chemist, you should recognize how wonderful he is in that he won’t be interested in lifting a finger to help you should you be foolish enough to get caught. He is terribly concerned for his business and the business of all enterprising spouses who are looking to ensure that their wealth is not tied up with unnecessary complications. For this, I assure you, you should be grateful and make sure to pay him accordingly. I give you my word that he is excellent at his job and very aware of what a wooden nickle looks like.
Ah but apparently such is enough for now. If you would like to watch a professional in action, continue to follow my exploits on The Garden of Malice. You never know! John’s exquisite work with poisonous materials may even make a starring appearance sooner than later!