Welcome to the first instalment of

FREAKY FACTSHEET!

Below are the dreadful, freaky, bizarre or just outright head scratching facts, tidbits, news bits and lore that I could dig up* for your entertainment this week. Get ready to be confounded or amazed or possibly even both as you gaze upon the Freaky Factsheet!

Due to changes in how they perceive light, vampires see drab colors like mauve, taupe or beige in vibrant shades of electric pink or orange. This is due to the receptors in their eyes being infused with magic and far more blood than would usually be available to human eyes. Curiously, reflective or neon colors are reduced to muddy browns and even black in low light. This is why in areas with a larger than normal population of vampires, high visibility wear is very highly recommended by the locals. Such warnings are usually not given to tourists who make the “if I can’t find a price tag, it’s free” joke in souvenir shops. Please be cautious.

Just in! The spirits of the newly dead can be scared off temporarily with cilantro. While reports about this finding are still being updated, it is unclear if it is dried cilantro, fresh cilantro or any cilantro that will do that trick. When in doubt, our editors suggest keeping fresh around just in case. According to the report that just came in last week, spirits who have recently shuffled off their mortal coil and might have an ax to grind are still over-sensitive to certain presences. While they cannot smell the herb, cilantro carries a very strong presence about it that is easily detectable and has even had paranormal researchers mistake it for a ghostly presence before. Researchers claim that cilantro carries the burden of being the target of the hatred of so many people that it gives off the appearance of having celestial flames about it. If you are going to use cilantro in any DIY exorcisms attempts, please note that this is something that has been mostly untested by researchers in the field and is likely only to work temporarily on new ghosts. In the case of a more severe haunting, such an attempt may result in spiritual anger or mockery at your expense. Please always contact trained professionals in the event of a haunting.

Professional spiritual horticulturists suggest that anyone looking to save the seeds from green apples should pucker up and give the apple a wholesome but meaningful kiss on the peel before attempting to bite into it. According to these spirit gardeners, the kiss will help determine the lineage of the fruit depending on whether or not the peel “blushes” into a red color. They claim that this will happen regardless of the gender of the kisser and one should take note of the color of the peel within twenty four hours. Experts claim that should the green turn to a rose blush color, it has been cross bred a few times and seeds may or may not produce forbidden fruit. If the apple turns a robust merlot color, it is possible that you may have stumbled on a direct descendent of the apples that were once found in the Garden of Eden. Experts recommend avoiding planting such seeds but if novice gardeners do intend to try, it is said that these seeds should be soaked overnight first and when planted, even in pots, a ring of salt cast around the soil where the seed went into the ground is a good precaution. Also, while there is no consensus among experts on this matter, we suggest that you exercise caution when eating any red apples, regardless of peel changing properties. For one, you may be contributing to the continuing damnation of mankind and we would really like you to think long and hard about if being just a little bit smarter is worth such a cost. Also, we remind you that you might not know if that apple has been kissed prior and you run the risk associated with someone else you don’t know making out with your fruit. Please be careful when selecting, washing and consuming your produce.

Since the location of elder god, Cthulhu, has been established, scientists have worked around the clock to figure out how the massive monstrous deity has managed to transfigure his death into the world’s longest running nap. There are other researchers who are working hard on attempting either to keep the bringer of insanity and destruction of humanity asleep for the rest of time or, ultimately, find a method to kill him in a way that would be permanent or lasting until the last scientists’ descendants had managed to expire. In recent days, the two groups have been working on a common goal and the fruit of that research has to do with Cthulhu’s dreams. Much has been written about the fact that the elder god dreams but until now, we were unaware that occasionally the unfathomable High Priest of the Great Old Ones is susceptible to nightmares. It is still unknown what these nightmares consist of, but researchers are always aware when he has them and currently, they are working on data to track how frequently they happen. For the layman, you too can track such monumental events! According to scientists, when the Sleeper of R’lyeh has a nightmare, somewhere on earth there will appear a rainbow that incorporates the color mauve in the arc. Keep your eyes peeled!

Related: It should be noted that every time the color mauve appears in a rainbow anywhere in the world, any vampires in the immediate area will wake that night with a splitting headache and are more likely to be very grumpy. Bystanders wearing drab colors such as mauve, taupe or beige are usually favored targets for their sour moods, so please dress accordingly.

Those are your freaky facts and we’ll see you on Friday for our special guest “sponsor”!

* All Freaky Facts on the Freaky Factsheet are, in fact, completely false and utterly banal ideas that I came up with on the fly. If, for any reason, I managed to hit upon real lore or actual facts related to any and all monstrosities, fictional or otherwise, this is purely dumb luck. Enjoy!

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