Through some manner of coaxing that no one is quite sure of how it was achieved, we’ve managed to convince Lady Vivian Kent to speak to you today about the many ways your life could be improved with the Eliminator Kitchen Knife.

Oh you think yourselves so clever, don’t you? We’ll see who will laugh when I’m finished with the entire lot of you. Blackmail me, will you? You are out of your depth and I shall see to it that you will never forget who you’ve crossed! You will suffer for this. All of you!

Oh, if I must do this humiliating exercise in banality, let us get on with it. You, out there. Some of you aren’t witless, I imagine. Well, actually I can imagine that a good number of you are but I suppose that this is as important for you to know as anyone with an intelligence level higher than a gnat. Probably moreso as it is more likely that the slower among you will find yourself in the service of someone else. Lord knows that I employ enough half witted servants here and from the sheer number of them that get sent to their fates in the laundry, I simply cannot believe that the populace of this wretched county isn’t positively swimming in that vile alcohol that makes you go soft in the head with a single sip. Should this describe your pitiful lot in life, your burdens may be marginally lessened by purchasing the Eliminator Kitchen Knife. Rest assured, you will still be thick, unimportant and utterly loathsome regardless of whether or not you have this knife in your possession but should you have enough sense to know which end is used for cutting, there might be some hope for you after all. I am told that it is quite useful in all manner of domestic chores such as turning the swill we have available to us here into something that resembles food. But what would any of you know of true cuisine. Ah, the ghastly concoctions that I’ve been forced to ingest are enough to make me sick.

I’m being told to stick to the facts so I suppose I shall mention that this knife is of the utmost importance in the kitchen. Apparently it is something that might be used for anything from slicing up hearty root vegetables to more tender cuts of meat. I’m also being told (not that I would know personally) that this utensil is easy to maintain and clean and thus it should last for many years to come. I should hope so. The bloody thing costs enough and I’ve had to go through at least four cooks before I could find one that could wield it properly. Goodness, when I put it like that, I am disgusted to find that my knife in the kitchen is outlasting my help. This county truly is a cesspool. Very well, I’m also being ushered to emphasize that the blade holds its edge for longer than it is taking the despicable Master of this house to try to kill me, the hapless fool. He is rather slow, just like the methods best for using this miracle knife. You see, one must be careful with such a sharp object, lest her husband find himself with it buried in the back of his neck rather suddenly.

Have you had a chance to hold one yet? There is a rather sturdy grip to the handle. Solid and quite satisfying, if I do say so. And I do because it is my knife in my house. Why yes, having one in my hand now, I can appreciate the true craftsmanship of this blade. It does my heart good to know that such an instrument won’t break upon the first meeting with someone rather thick and potentially difficult to cut through. It’s quite large too. My, I would be willing to bet that this blade might do some very impressive damage with only a single swing. Of course the people behind this boring product likely expect the likes of you out there to use it for culinary uses or, if you are truly without any sense of decorum, perhaps you can use it to cut your dinner up like the simpleton who couldn’t tell a butter knife from a dessert fork. Oh how domestic! I’ve always wondered about the disgustingly drab lives of servants and simpletons.

Anyway, should you find yourself with enough money and less sense, perhaps you might bring yourself to make a sensible purchase and buy the Eliminator Kitchen Knife. You can bring yourself to use it on all manner of preparation of food if you have no imagination. I should think I might even like to go against my training as a proper lady and give it a try myself.

Vivian, who the devil are you talking to? I’ve told you that I’ll have no meddling from you while I’m in the drawing room. Be warned and get back to your room, woman!”

Dear me, is that the Master of the house bellowing for a demonstration of this gift to the culinary world? Well, it would be improper of me to keep him waiting.

As we attempt to prevent Lady Kent from getting large bloodstains on the good furniture in the drawing room, keep a watch on Garden of Malice to find out if we’re successful or if Vivian decides that being a widow is more to her liking.

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