It’s that time again! The weather has turned colder, the sky gets darker and stays that way, the wind has a bite and we have another round of Freaky Facts that I have dug up and collected* for your amusement or for your little slice of distraction during these trying times. Whichever it is for you, welcome back to the Freaky Fact Sheet: Holiday Edition!
By now, most people are familiar with Krampus but were you aware that the holiday demons of old are actually subject to incredibly strict diets? One researcher worked with a group of the demons, at a distance and with very little personal interaction, to get some very important information on their eating habits and needs. The result was a fascinating and thoroughly vomit inducing read of a cookbook that is said to be forthcoming in the new year. This is all dependent on if editors can make their way through the stomach churning recipes listed in the manuscript and also assuming they can find the author. Last word on that researcher was that he was planning to take sole credit and has not been heard from since.
Back in October, we here warned readers of the use of certain combinations of colors to avoid opening portals to other dimensions but it seems that there is a new concern during this holiday season when it comes to Christmas lights. Studies have shown that while standard strings of lights in single colors or in particular color combinations seem to be fine, there are some houses that have been overrun with acorns upon putting on strings of lights in random multiple colors. Please be warned that this has happened to people who have put them on their house or just on their tree. At least one house had an entire floor filled to the ceiling with acorns minutes after turning on the lights to check if they were working. So far consumer reports have said that the safest route is to buy single colors for the moment and if buying color combinations, to try it out on a building like a shed or garage. Reports also have stated that the classic red and green combination seems unaffected but in the grand scheme of things, is also rather bland and you can do better. Still, always be cautious when selecting lights.
Continuing studies of the great elder god that sleeps beneath the seas and promises our imminent demise, researchers have noted that Cthulhu has been noted to be disturbed in his slumber more recently. While death day cults prematurely rejoiced at his potential waking and some scientists were initially preparing for launch off the planet, it turns out that all concern was for not as the lumbering old one remains fixedly asleep for the moment. The tremor in his waking death was said to have started in early November and continues to show signs of disturbance as the holiday season draws closer to the end of the year. Researchers say that they have narrowed down the cause, the most likely being that the great and terrible Cthulhu is being inundated with an endless stream of Christmas Carols like the rest of us. A petition has been signed by the scientists indicating a break from these songs may be required as that such an annoyance may well wake the elder god and would mean the destruction of our tiny world and all who dwell within it. Other scientists said off record that at this rate, if they have to hear another version of Santa Baby, they’re going to look for ways to actively wake Cthulhu and get it over with already.
The next full moon in the month of December is coming up quick and it’s a great time for rural readers to get cozy and watch the monthly transformation of men going through the agony of turning into terrifying wolf creatures that mutilate and devour livestock. It’s true that this happens every month and while it is never advisable to try to watch this close up, reports tell us that viewing this spectacular and utterly disgusting event should be fairly easy in many areas. Weather forecasts are looking cold but clear which will allow viewers to see the steam rising from the freshly transformed bodies in more densely wooded areas and with the brightness of the moon in rural posts, tracking their progress from upper balconies and upstairs windows should be fairly easy, particularly in snowy areas. The lack of tree cover in some resort locations allow spectators a full view of entire snowy meadows and some mountain resorts have indoor viewing decks that allow for visitors to enjoy the horror unfolding from the safety of being behind shatter-proof glass. If you are looking to partake this once in a lifetime event, please remember to stay safe, don’t try to view anything up close, tents are a death trap and shatter-proof glass has never actually stopped any werewolf activity prior so please plan to flee accordingly.
Finally, sketchy reports but reports nonetheless have surfaced of someone coming back after their terrifying journey that started when combining two mystery colors back in October. The witness was discovered last week, walking in the middle of the street in a daze screaming “THE BELLS!! THE BELLS!!” to any of the motorists who would in turn scream back at the victim who was blocking them during a green light. After being given a cup of coffee and confirming the person’s identity, witnesses and police were able to verify that this was indeed a person who had gone missing a few months ago. Details of the accounts of the victim are still being processed but according to witnesses who were able to eavesdrop on the ranting say that the man in his late thirties claimed that he had been to hell and had returned in time for the holiday season. While most would have assumed that this was a reason to celebrate, the victim stated that hell really wasn’t that bad and as far as he could tell, if there was a devil, he wasn’t there. In fact, it would have been fine had it not been for the onslaught of constant Christmas Carols that would play endlessly from the time he arrived to his eventual leaving. When questioned about his comment about the bells, the victim clarified that he was having difficulty expressing that if he heard the song Silver Bells one more time, he was going to lose his mind and any reminders of the song were painful. Skeptics are not entirely certain that the man didn’t just get lost in the mall but tests are still being done to determine what happened.
That’s it for our Holiday Edition of Freaky Fact Sheet! May you escape Krampus’ sake for another year, may you have only the most alcoholic fruitcake available, may the lights never be the wrong color combination and may you all have a great holiday season!
*As a reminder, the Freaky Fact Sheet is entirely made up by me with absolutely no research done on any of these facts whatsoever. Should I have included anything that might have been true once or might actually be true in any capacity, I assure you, it was entirely by accident. These are meant to be for entertainment only and if you are not sufficiently entertained, you can join us back for the annual Holiday Ghost Story next Monday!